Wednesday, April 22, 2009


I think these pictures are the funniest thing since Al Gore invented global warming. Why?

Exhibit 1. The picture of Beffy and me with the wizard hats. Obviously its in the Disney store. Obviously we are too cheap to actually buy a hat. So why were we sitting in a store taking pictures wearing wizard hats? Because that's how we Heywood's roll.

Exhibit 2. Look at Ryan's expression. It's not fear. Nor is it terror. Not really boredom. What is he trying to express??!!!??! I don't know if the question can be answered. Hands down, Ryan wins the "Mona Lisa smile" trophy of the decade.

Here I am, posting at 11:22

when I promised myself I would be in bed by 10:30

so I could be up at 6:00

so I could go running before I catch the light rail to work

so I could burn some of those cubicle calories

so I could be energetic and positive during my workday

so I could carry on that energy as I head home

so I could perhaps meet an engaging young woman on the bus (ummm...chances of that...a billion to .01. I have a better chance of being hit by lightning and then robbed on the bus by Headsize Radio Man. On second thought, that contingency has quite good odds)

so I could ask her on a date Friday

so she could play it coy and say she's busy until to next week

so I could be cool and tell her next week'd be great except I'll be on a jet plane to Utah

so she could laugh chicly and tell me she's free on Thursday

so I could shrug my shoulders and mention that I could spare an hour or so

so she could sigh and casually mention that she wouldn't mind chatting over drinks

so I could suddenly remember that I found a Starbucks card in the dark sands of Huntington Beach with $8.10 still on the tab...but...not that a Starbucks card mattered or anything, because, after all, I am relatively wealthy

so she could smile, showing her Trident white teeth and glittering eyes and say, "sure, call me."

so I could pull out my phone and ask for her phone number

so she could start reading out the digits

so I could suddenly realize that I forgot to charge my phone

so she could say, "this is my stop! The Tempe ghetto! I do charity work here every Wednesday. Call me later tonight, David!" and then walk off the bus, leaving me up and biting my own tail

so I could come home, pieces of a man, bereft of even a spark of self-confidence and dignity.

No, Mr. Sandman. Not tonight. I'm staying up 'til twelve!

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Give me a break

A guy and the three walls of his cubicle can get mighty tired of each other.

I think that's why we take water breaks at work.

"Water? Tea? Coffee?", someone in our TRE group asks, like KSL traffic updates, every hour on the 39's.

We stand in the break room with our red plastic cups, talking about love, and dreams, and bacon. Mostly, we talk about sports. And we plan.

We plan our next water break.