Take Me Down to the Paradise City

35 to 3. No, those aren’t the odds that I’ll stay Uncle Dave for the rest of my life (though, we often think that, don’t we?).

35-3 is the girl-to-guy ratio in the London program. “Wow—advantageous,” people say. “You must be in heaven,” others insist. Admittedly, it is nice to come to dinner every night to a sea of beautiful faces. And, an additional plus, at other times, my masculinity finds a blessed home when I am invited to attend late-night excursions because I provide two arms of manly safety.

But for the most part, I feel like I am in an enemy minefield with size 48 shoes (on a related note, I know a LOT more about shoes now than when I began this program)—no matter where I step, something is going to go off.

No matter what I say, I feel like I’m just a footstep away from offending someone. Girls are much more sensitive than boys, and if I make such innocent comments as, “Wow, you girls are so tall compared to other girls I know” or “Were you up late skyping last night—you look tired”, I’m sure to offend. I find myself double and even triple checking what comes out of my mouth. This dashes ones confidence and turns what could be witty banter and well-bred conversations into a stuttering staccato of “oh, uh, neverminds” and “uh, wells.”

Another conversation killer is the fact that I know nothing or have no interest in a large proportion of the conversations that go on around this joint. Clothes—no interest. Male movie stars—zip. Female movie stars—a bit more than zip, but not much. Shoes—I’m soleless. Dating—interesting, fun to analyze, but sometimes a bit too dramatic (whattaya do when a girl starts crying? Give hugs? Shake hands? Pat backs? I dunno…I just don’t know).

So, back to my situation. Little confidence to try and be myself, not too much to add to any conversation, and, to top it all off, I ALWAYS feel like a polygamist wherever I go. Especially when we meet people from the states who already assume that Mormons are polygamist.

Man from America: So, where are ya’ll from?
Me (and eight girls standing together on a subway): Utah.
Man from America: Ahh…yep. That makes sense.

I’m trying to look on the bright side of things. All these girls are amazing—very cool. And, I get my own personal course of study in Female Behavior. I’m learning a lot of secrets of the fairer sex. Maybe I’ll post a few of my discoveries. But I have no time right now. I’m going to the market to try on some shoes, and, if I can’t find anything I like, to buy some chocolate.