Sunday, January 6, 2008

Don't Try Casting Your Lovespell On Me

If you’ve never been making your own secret blend of mustard-barbecue fry sauce only to be overcome by the titillating smell of cucumber melon, then perhaps you’ve never had a date accompany you to The Malt Shop. For that is what nearly always happens to the enterprising Yours Truly as he basks in a basket of french-fried potatoes.

For some strange reason that he wouldn’t bet a quarter-pounder on even pretending to understand, Girlof the Week doesn’t find salty fries or aerosolized grease especially conducive to the health of her epidermis. Any number of environmental factors might damage the skin, or so she claims as she spends an approximate eighth of her life applying various kinds of lotions to her body.

Girls, what’s up?

Have you ever seen a guy fret and frump over the condition of his skin, treating it like it was more important than salary cap negotiations in the National Basketball Association? Of course not. You’re too busy squeezing another drop of lotion onto your hand to notice that you’re even with a guy.

I, for one, am sick of playing second fiddle in the battle for a female’s attention. Sometimes it’s even third banjo I must play if the girl also has a fetish for chapstick. It’s embarrassing and disheartening to be less important than an artificially scented bottle of anything—perfume, frankincense, root beer extract. But lotion? If I can’t even steal your attention away from lotion, I might as well invest in that Xbox that always seems to find my eye when I open the Best Buy ads. You can have all the peach melon you want as long as I can be with the dudes blowing off the skin of alien warriors.

While I’m actually doing something productive, you girls can have a lotion party with all of your well-lubricated girlfriends. Maybe compare brands or something. Have a lotion slip-n-slide, a guess the fruit/fruit/vegetable and fruit/herb/fruit combination game. I bet there’s a lot of things you could do to make it fun. You'd better think of something. Because Lotion Girl, you sure ain’t getting any more of my attention!

5 comments:

Jan said...

Hi David I am enjoying reading your blog. I think you are entering the wrong profession, you should be a writer. I guess you could always moonlight as a writer. I have some advice for you--- hang out at a truck stop, I don't think lady truck drivers where lotion. Anyway I loved your blog on netsui, I hope you don't mind I copied it, I tried to put it on the Hancock Blog but my computer wouldn't paste it. So what job are you going to take when you graduate??

Nellie said...

Jan, I don't want my daughter in Law to be a truck driver.. But you know it's hard to lift weights after putting on lotion, so Dave, try the gym!!!

Bethany said...

you guys are so stupid!!!

amy said...

i don't think we want dave to marry a huge, nasty body builder type girl either.

Liz Thomas said...

So, the subject line caught my attention because I KNOW I have read something like it somewhere else. Does "thezoobie.com" sound familiar? Fuss up Dave....